🛟 The Helping Trap Every Leader Falls Into
The way you "help" may not be helpful
Last week, while facilitating a leadership team workshop, I witnessed a powerful and illustrative moment that reminded me why clear communication is both simple in theory and challenging in practice.
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One of the leaders in the room shared her fear around a significant decision she was facing. The room immediately sprang into action. Within moments, team members were offering solutions, identifying problems to solve, suggesting action steps, and helping her think through potential risks. Everyone was genuinely trying to help.
But here's what was fascinating to observe: she looked increasingly frustrated despite being surrounded by support. Finally, with some coaching from me, she paused the well-intentioned advice and said, "Here's what I'm actually looking for..." What she needed wasn't solutions or action plans. She simply wanted someone to listen and help her untangle her jumbled thoughts.
The way you "help" may not be helpful
This moment highlighted a broader challenge I see repeatedly in my coaching practice. We all bring unconscious biases to our interactions about what "being helpful" looks like. Some of us default to problem-solving mode, others jump to action planning, and still others want to anticipate every possible risk. These patterns often reflect our own motivations and comfort zones rather than what the other person actually needs.
Using the Enneagram framework, I helped surface for the team how each member's automatic response aligned with their core motivations—the helpers wanted to support, the challengers wanted to drive action, the skeptics were scanning for danger and the perfectionists wanted to find and fix the problem. All good intentions, but not necessarily what was needed in that moment.
Enneagram Theorist and psychologist Jerome Weber says, “The Enneagram helps us to look at our lenses as well as through them”
I'm seeing this same dynamic play out with two separate leadership teams I coach. In both cases, leaders are coming to each other's rescue when what their colleagues really want is a sounding board—someone to listen without immediately jumping to solutions and saving the day.
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The lesson here is both simple and profound: Make the implicit explicit.
As the person needing support, be specific about what would be most helpful. Do you want brainstorming, problem-solving, emotional support, or simply a listening ear? Don't assume others will intuitively know.
As the person offering support, pause and ask: "What would be most helpful right now?" rather than defaulting to your own preferred way of helping.
Putting these skills into practice requires daily intention. It's a discipline that serves us in our leadership roles, our team dynamics, and our personal relationships.
The next time someone comes to you with a challenge, resist the urge to immediately spring into your preferred helping mode. Instead, take a moment to understand what they actually need. You might discover that sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is simply listen.
What's your default helping style?
How might you pause to ask what's actually needed before jumping in with assistance?
Curious about Enneagram? This article is a great starting point.
